-
- Win $100 in prizes!
-
|
Practical Wisdom
for Single Parents, Part II: Raising Your Village
Raising your village is
vital for your self-renewal as a human, to your continuing education
as a parent, and to nurturing your children as they richly deserve.
Demonstrate love and caring for the community that is lucky to
have you, and extend the chain of love and goodwill beyond your
family.
© 1998,
by Jay Ann Cox
Once you have done your homework and your
self-work, you are ready to start reaching out beyond the closeness
of your single-parent family. Naturally, you are probably already
making a lot of contact with people who can nurture you and your
children. But if you have even a rough plan in mind, you will
make leaps and bounds of progress, and kick your single-parent
life into high gear. The rest of this article will help you create
and seek out the role models and networks of people that will
populate your village.
Looking Up
Everyone has a role model. Growing
up necessitates looking up to someone and emulating their qualities.
In early childhood, this person is usually a parent or teacher;
in adolescence, much to our parents' dismay, role models can
be anyone from rock stars and football players to supermodels
or peers. Role models have really only one requirement: they
must be a character or person that you can connect with who has
qualities worth our attention.
Often our role models are fictional.
When I was a child, I held the Lone Ranger in great esteem, and
pretended I was every lady rancher in every cornball western
I used to watch. I also thought Jo of Little Women
was very very cool. If you or your children have fictional role
models, there is nothing at all wrong with you! Nurture your
creative imagination and learn from your children's flights of
fancy.
I once adopted TV character Jessica
Fletcher (actress Angela Lansbury) as my mother, during a stormy
period with my own mother. What's not to like about the star
of "Murder She Wrote"? She is beautiful, successful,
she's a writer, and she's got her own show! Discover who your
role models are, wherever they are, and then study them closely.
However, characters in a novel
or on TV can't talk back, even if you do read the book six or
seven times a year, or never miss a show. Acquiring real-life
role models is an important skill to learn, and to teach to your
children. Make a list of the people around you that you admire.
Ask yourself what parts of their lives do you want to emulate;
the good part is that you don't have to aspire to be just
like anyone. You can view it as a "role model buffet"
and take little bits here and there, maybe seconds of something
you truly admire.
Now that you've got a list of
the qualities in these people you treasure, you might be able
to approach them with questions, ideas, or requests for support.
Ask them how they have pursued their life of excellence, and
then model your own pursuit on theirs, giving yourself credit
for being unique and having your own path to follow. If you are
lucky, you might be able to have a relationship with your role
model. Invite them to lunch or coffee and enjoy a relaxing chat.
Remember that your role models are human, so don't be disappointed
if there is a chink in the gleaming armor of your White Knight.
Be exhaustive in your search
for role models. Without a goal ahead of you, your quest for
your village is going to be a muddled and long one. Check in
with your past role models, from college, another town, your
childhood. Your recent parenthood is an excellent opportunity
to make contact, or put them on your holiday card list. See if
they still fit the idea of your village. If they don't, then
you can take this difference as a measure of how you've grown.
Try as you might, not everyone
will enroll in your idea of "village." People often
grow apart, and parenthood is often the great dividing line between
former friends. I had friends in graduate school who were my
pinnacle of literary success and cutting edge wit. We used to
laugh for hours during enjoyable encounters over the billiards
table. When I became pregnant, I could feel the chill winds begin
to blow. Sure enough, these friends drifted off into some arctic
friendship zone. Perhaps they had always been distant, and I
hadn't noticed, or perhaps the addition of a child to the mix
somehow disqualified me as a member of "the club."
I miss those people, and have sought their published works to
read up and stay in touch. But I feel no remorse at all. People
who have no room in their lives for me as a family have
no room in our lives either.
Finally, be a role model.
It sounds pat, but it works. If you become the role model for
other parents, you have a certain standard to uphold, in your
own heart. At times, this duty might feel burdensome, but by
holding your own as a role model, you might be able to rise above
the crabbiness that can keep you moping around the house in your
robe some days, snapping at the kids, not returning phone calls.
You are also a role model to your own children, who are watching
your every move, like it or not. If you want to live with crabby,
whiney couch potato kids, then go ahead -- live
the couch potato lifestyle. But be prepared to accept the consequences!
Hooking Up Your
Network
Networking is the 90s term for
hanging out, visiting, mingling, meeting and greeting, and making
new connections with people. Many opportunities to network can
be daunting if you don't have two of the business networker's
favorite tools: a 10 word blurb and a business card. If you don't
have a quick and dirty version of who you are, write one that
includes your family and one or two ideas that spark conversation.
Example: "Hi, I'm Jay and this is my son Charlie aka Cox
& Son. Charlie is my junior partner in a family business
of writing, consulting, and playing." Or "Hi, I'm Jay
and this is Charlie who is 2.5. We just moved here from Texas
and we need new friends!" This blurb gives someone the chance
to say, "Texas! we have family there," or "My
son is 2.5 too!"
A business card for the family
can be easily done on your home computer: include your kids and
their ages and your phone number, e-mail -- whatever
information you feel comfortable handing out. You can hand this
card to that busy mom you chatted with at the library -- you remember her, she's the one with the trampoline
in her back yard who was looking for the best ice cream parlor
in town? If she has your card, she might call you to bring the
kids over to jump themselves silly some time! Be sure to take
some chocolate chocolate chip just for the parents to eat secretly
while the kids jump around.
More organized forums for networking
with other parents exist, and can nurture your question for knowledge
as well as companionship. La Leche League International is a 40-year old organization devoted to breastfeeding
information and other family arts. Membership is low-cost, meetings
are free and are held at least once a month in small communities,
more often in larger cities. Other groups such as F.E.M.A.L.E., MOPS (Mothers
of Preschoolers), Parents Without Partners, Single Mothers by
Choice, and Attachment Parenting
International have local
chapters and meetings. Some of these groups welcome children
at meetings, other deem the meetings sacred space for parents
to be adults.
Sacred space is also a good place
to find like-minded folks to be in your village. Go to church,
synagogue, mosque, temple, or prayer meeting. Visit the church
nursery or playroom, walk with your children to their Sunday
school classroom, be open to meeting other moms and dads. Most
importantly, introduce yourself to the minister or religious
education director. They are fine-tuned to answer your questions
and welcome you. If you aren't immediately welcomed, go somewhere
different next Sunday. If you are a longstanding member of the
congregation, you might need to remind the minister of this fact,
and look for ways to re-connect: serve on a committee, teach
your child's religious education class, or hang around the water
fountain!
More localized groups meet for
play in the park, afterschool activities, or weekend potlucks.
Check the community bulletin boards at your daycare center, preschool,
school, church, or newspaper to find contact information. We
belonged to a playgroup that met at a local park once a week.
Even though most of us were either chasing our children the whole
time, or sitting on a bench nursing the baby and watching the
other mothers chasing children, it was often enough to know there
was a couple of hours a week that we could connect, swap stories
and hand-me-downs, and get some fresh air.
Old Family/New
Family
Sadly, while not everyone can
welcome their family or blood kin into their village, it's never
too late to start resolving family issues (remember to honor
your boundaries!) and building new relationships with family.
By at least trying, you are telling your children how important
family is as well as modeling clear communication to them. If
family gatherings are awkward, keep them short and give the unsure
children or relatives concrete ways to interact. Bring along
your big box of tissue paper and glue to make collages, hats,
a mess. Keep photos handy, and have funny and cute stories to
tell. Older children especially love to hear their baby stories
from relatives, as long as they are not being humiliated or embarrassed.
Depending on the occasion and mood, resist countering every one
of those
ex-mother-in-law or well-meaning but clueless and childless sister
comments. Your actions scream, so your words can be gentle, funny,
or few, and you can still make your point.
When raising your village, you
must frequently ask yourself "Who do I really want in my
village?" If there's a deadbeat boyfriend, a mooching ex
something-in-law, or a cranky grandmother, change your
environment (you can't change them -- you
don't have that kind of time!). Your village is your sacred space,
and you get to decide who populates it. Figuratively speaking,
give out tourist visas, but be selective about who gets to buy
a house in your village.
If gift-giving and holidays are
a real sore spot in your family, make sure you create space for
your own family time, and begin preparing the extended family
for what will happen as early as October. Make a list of the
gifts you think your children will enjoy, and let everyone know
you have a budget (even if you are in the chips, you should still
make a budget for holiday gifts). One book I think every single
parent must own is Unplug the Christmas Machine by Jo Robinson and Jean Coppack Staeheli.
Here you will find great suggestions for creating a holiday that
won't have you vowing to move to Bali before the next one.
If you are a natural joiner,
or already have the extended tribe of family and friends, you
might need to refocus and consider your family as the #1 priority.
This notion is necessary, unfortunately, because our "tribe"
has lost so much of its clanship, that we must constantly compare
our needs as a nuclear family with those of the larger family
and the community too. No one worth their salt will hate you
for going to a Cub Scout meeting rather than an office Happy
Hour.
Online and In
Touch
And lastly, the best way to network
is the Internet. Best, because of its availability (24x7), convenience
(all you need is a modem and computer), the commute (just down
the hall? across the room?), and required dress (are you really
wearing that bathrobe again?). As with any
community-building tool, you can misuse the Internet, which can
lead to further isolation and depression, but for the most part,
it is a highly suitable tool for connecting with parents. I switched
from real-time chat environments to e-mail when my son was born
because I was frequently interrupted or away from the keyboard,
which made real-time conversation maddening.
WARNING: Watch out for the Internet obesssion monster! If
your children automatically look for you at the keyboard when
they wake up or come home, you might be spending too much time
there. Don't use the Internet to replace real live human beings,
or you can suddenly begin talking in code while out in public
-- very embarrassing.
But on those naked toddler days
when the very sight of clothes and diapers sends them screaming
back into bed, and you know the mention of getting into a hot
carseat will send them into an emotional meltdown worthy of a
soap opera cliffhanger, you can log on and surf the net, and
throw out a lifeline to hundreds of invisible but real people
with much in common.
If you need to break the ice,
look for home pages and other web sites where there are bulletin
boards. Write to the author of a page you admire, post a question
on "Ask
the Experts"
here at The Entrepreneurial Parent, or register your own home page with a search engine.
Join an e-mail list for parenting, your favorite hobby; read
the newsgroups that engage and entertain you. A great resource
for finding parenting, childbirth and related lists is http://www.netwalk.com/~moomin/link.html.
After six years online (forever in Internet dog years), I have
moved along and grown. My online friends form a varied and very
different circle of support from my "real-life" circle,
but both are meaningful and necessary to me. It took a while
to learn the ropes of online relating, and I still make mistakes.
But I encourage you to just get
online and enjoy yourself. Soon, you'll find the people behind
the pages, or as I like to think of them, the people who live
in your computer. And you will get to know them and even like
them.
Conclusion
The bottom line is that your
village is only as good as the people attracted to it, and people
can't even see your village if you don't tell them, in some fashion,
that you are looking for friends, connections, support, and kinship.
After 2.5+ years of hard work and lots of rampant crabbiness,
Cox & Son have dear friends who get the Charlie news hot
off the press, who remind me that runny noses are not fatal,
and that I am a warm and loving mother. A recent child care crisis
was bearable because of the combined forces of my online and
real-life networks: the information, support and critical analysis
of the situation assisted me in resolving it with a minimum of
trauma to the family.
Raising your village is vital
for your self-renewal as a human, to your continuing education
as a parent, and to nurturing your children as they richly deserve.
Demonstrate love and caring for the community that is lucky to
have you, and extend the chain of love and goodwill beyond your
family. As philosopher John Lennon wrote, "The love you
take is equal to the love you make."
- Jay Ann Cox
PhD works with entrepreneurs,
women and families to improve the family-work fit. Her home-based
business, Sarabi Consulting, offers tele-conference workshops
on a variety of topics as well as individual mentoring and coaching.
A single mother by choice since 1995, she has a lively home page,
is a member of several online communities, an active volunteer
at her church, and attends regular LLL meetings. She also has
an occasional day of grumpy, robe-wearing hermitism. Jay is an
EP Coach
and our Single
Parenting Expert. You can reach her via e-mail, [email protected],
or her web sites, http://www.sarabi.com,
http://www.apbiz.com, http://www.familycoaching.com
|