The Funny Things EP Kids Say

Lately, whenever my daughter Lindsay, 6, does something wrong (as in against our house rules), she tries to use this rationalization:

"It was just a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes."

Or she'll say,

"What am I, chopped sliver?"

Another time I was trying to be cute about the moon in the sky. The night was cloudy, she pointed out the moon and then it went behind some clouds. I said, "Look, the moon is hiding!" She answers, "No, mommy, it just went behind the clouds."

Guess these little minds are soaking up everything we say!

Last Christmas, my then 6-month old was lying on the floor playing. My daughter, Meghan, picked up Robby's burp rag, draped it over his head and said, "Look, Mom! He's a shepherd!"

We were watching television and President Clinton was in the news. Gabriel, our 2 1/2 year old grandson, broke out in song with "From the Halls of Montezuma." He knew all the lyrics and was singing at the top of his lungs. In our amazement, we asked how he knew that song. He said, "Poppy Pete taught me." Poppy Pete is his great-grandfather, a proud WW II Marine Veteran, who has told Gabriel about this great country of ours, and how lucky we are to be American. However each of us feels about the current administration, the simple truth from a child's point of view is that we do live in quite an amazing country. I guess little Gabriel was paying attention to something most of us take for granted!

My 10-year old son has a way of delighting me with pretty insightful
wisdom that seems to emerge most often at dinner time. A few weeks ago we had company for dinner, and some issue came up that made me say (as usual),"That's looking at the glass half-empty. Let's look at it half-full..." I've always taken pride in my "half-full" attitude so I was taken aback when William responded, "Yeah, but, if you want to make something perfect, you have to find out what's *wrong* with it first!"

Then at dinner last night, William announced that although his birthday
wasn't until May, he already knew what kind of party he would have. When he told me his idea, I thought it was an original gem, and asked him to write it down now so he wouldn't lose it over the months ahead. Here's what he wrote (an invitation of sorts):

***William's "Be Yourself" B-day Party***

"Be as crazy as you want
Be as loud as you want
Be as quiet as you want.
Say what you want (no swears).
Be as polite as you want.
Wear whatever you want.
Embaress yourself. (Perfect time to).
Just be yourself!"

I love it! May we all have a "Be Yourself" B-day Party some time in our lives!

One evening at bedtime I was reading to my son, "Big Thoughts for Little People: ABC's to Help You Grow" by Kenneth N. Taylor. We were reading about the letter "G":

"G is for God;
He's your Father above.
He made you and likes you
And shows you his love."

Following the paragraph describing God's qualities there's a "SOME QUESTIONS TO ANSWER" section. So I asked him the question, "Where is God?" and he answered, "Well, he's not in heaven." I asked him why he thought that and he said, "You know, you say that prayer, 'Our Father, who aren't in heaven.'"

Yesterday my 4-year old son Thomas & I were watching "Zoom" on PBS, and saw someone cooking an old favorite family recipe of ours -- manicotti. It brought me back to the smells and tastes of years ago and looked just delicious. Thomas thought so too so I told him to call Grandma and tell him the next time we visit, she should make "manicotti" (pronounced "man-eh-guht" in the particular Italian dialect my mother's family used). So Thomas gets on the phone, looks at me and whispers "What's it called?" and I whisper back,"man-eh-guht." So when she got on the phone, he says "Grandma? Can you make mommy-gut when we come over?"

Meanwhile, my mother thought he said, "Grandma? Can Mommy dust when we come over?" and of course she said, "Yes, sure! Absolutely!!"

While at Toys R Us the other day, my 3 1/2 year-old was playing with a ball she told me she was "getting." I responded, "no, honey, we're not getting a ball today, but we are getting these bubbles." Meghan turned around and said, "I don't want bubbles, Mom, but thanks for sharing!"

Last month my column, Organized Times, was picked up by another distributor, ZDTV's "Working the Web." I was doing the happy dance, and my son was twirling with me in my office. When he asked who I had been on the phone with, I told him "ZDTV." He ran out of the office, down the stairs, and came back with his Dad's Rubick's Cube, changing it to read "ZDTB, ZDTB, ZDTB!!! (Now who says branding doesn't work?!!!)

The other day I was driving around town with my two sons. Joshua, my 4 year old, all of a sudden piped up and said that he would like to meet God and"bring him a present." When I asked Josh what he'd take as a present, he quickly answered "a Pokemon movie." He explained, "I betcha God's never watched Pokemon before."

A few moments later Josh said, "On second thought I don't think that would be a good idea, because I don't think God has a TV...."

My business partner (Terri White) and I own WhiteSmith Marketing Group, Inc. We operate the business out of our homes. We do market planning, research and advertising for a diverse customer base. One day, after overhearing me on a business call, my son Zach came in and said, "Mom I know who 'WhiteSmith' is." I asked, "Who?" He said "Terri is White and you are Smith and that makes WhiteSmith." I said, "You are so right." He then continued, "And I know who the 'Group' is." Curious, I asked, "Who?" He said "Us, the kids.....me, Mollie, Ross and Liam." (Mollie is my daughter and Ross & Liam are Terri's boys).

I never thought of it that way before but I assured him that yes, the kids WERE the "Group" in WhiteSmith Marketing Group. After all, the reason we work from our homes is to be available for our children.....so why not!

The last few weeks have been particularly busy for our home business (which is a good thing!). However, it never fails, when you're busy that's when the kids get sick. We spent most of our time running between the office and the front room where my son was stationed riding out his illness, trying to administer his medicine. And we certainly had no time to fight with the toddler about taking his medicine. So after several attempts of trying to get the medicine in him, each met with a "No, No, don't like it," I decided to try something I am completely against: I laced the medicine heavily with sugar, thinking that this will work. But once again, he fought me. Just when I thought that again he had me beat, at an opportune moment when his mouth opened in protest, I lunged -- spilling a bit into his mouth. Stunned, he stopped, tasted the medicine, and began in protest, "No, No, I don't WANT to like it!!"

My 2 1/2 year old daughter was jumping up and down on our bed where my pregnant wife was lying. So I told her, "Pam, no jumping, Mommy and baby will get dizzy!"

A few days later, she saw me skipping rope (an exercise that keeps me hopping!). Naturally, she reminded me, "Daddy, no jumping!"

The other day I was typing furiously on my computer, trying to finish some data entry so I could e-mail an editor with files for an upcoming publication. My 6 year old son kept pestering me, asking, "When can we go to the swing near Jack's house?" We often walk our dog to a neighborhood park that has a rope swing hanging from an old oak tree. I told him, "As soon as I finish this." Then I heard him say twice, while my concentration was focused on my data entry task, "I am an alien!" I turned to look, and there I was, face to face with an adorable boy with a bunch of Nerf foam darts suction cupped to his forehead! He looked so cute, I stopped to laugh and realized, "This is a work environment I can enjoy!"

My six-year old son is quite a character. While working on a current assignment, my oldest daughter and her girlfriend were sitting in my living room talking. As my daughter's friend prepared to leave, my son approached her. Smiling and winking his eye at her, he handed her a phone card and said, "Call me."

Living and working with a two-year-old can certainly be a challenge, especially when trying to keep the messes to a minimum. I try not to stress out too much when it comes to having toys all over the place, but food messes are a particularly strong pet peeve.

The other day, I was behind schedule with work and trying desperately to catch up. My daughter poked her head through the kitchen door. "Mom," she piped. "Come look." I said, "At what?" not missing a keystroke. She replied, "At the floor." Eyes still glued to the computer screen, I asked, "What's on the floor?" She said, "Sugar's all over the floor." I exclaimed, "Oh, Kaya," jumped up from my chair and sprinted into the kitchen, prepared to clean up some horrible, huge mess she had made. When I got there, 2.2 seconds later, the "sugar all over the floor" was just a few grains. I quickly swept and went back to work. She came over to me a couple minutes after I sat back down, kissed me on the arm, looked at me with a smile so sweet, I swear I got a cavity, and asked, "Are you happy now?"

My 2 year old son loves Winnie the Pooh. He was wearing a Winnie the Pooh outfit when his uncle came to visit. As he came into our home our son said,"Uncle Rick, I have Pooh on my pants, do you have Pooh on your pants?"

Last week, we received the final prints of my 18-year old's Senior Portraits, taken in the traditional tuxedo and looking very dignified. When I put the framed portrait on the shelf, my 4-year old son asked, "Is that Nathan when he was older?" I laughed, "No, that's Nathan just dressed up." To which he replied, "for Halloween?" I guess he wasn't convinced!

At bed time my 10-year old and I have a "mom moment." This is a quiet time of snuggles and "How did your day go?" before prayers. (I found that asking a second time at bed time I'll get some direct and surprising answers other than the, "Fine Mom" I get after school.) Last night Nick, my son, was telling me about his math class. He suddenly burst out with the Jeopardy theme music. This isn't a show we watch so I asked him where he'd heard it. He looks at me and states, "Mom, I learn more than math in math class!"

I was driving my girls, ages 8 and 10, to school this morning. My oldest daughter, Danielle, was sitting in the back seat of the car. As we approached a stop sign I heard her say, in a serious voice, "Mom, there's something wrong with my eye." I turned around to look. There WAS something wrong. It was big, round and bright orange. She was holding an orange up to her eye socket.:) I laughed at her imagination. Danielle said, "I just had to make you laugh!"

My 4-year old daughter was watching something on television where they were singing "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow." She proceeded to walk around the house singing, "Ali's A Jolly Good Freezo." I tried to tell her what the correct words were (mistake), and she simply replied, "But Mom, I like it better this way."

On Being Six (by a six-year old)

One afternoon, it was raining and cold. I met my youngest son (6) and youngest daughter (9) at the school bus stop in my car thinking they would like a ride to our house instead of walking. Once back home, I helped them remove their wet rain slickers and clothes while enticing them with the hot chocolate I'd make when they were all ready. My six-year old went upstairs and returned wearing his favorite pajamas and took a seat in the living room to watch Power Rangers. My daughter followed suit. After a few minutes I brought both of them steaming cups of hot chocolate and pieces of fruit.

As I returned to the kitchen to make my own cup of hot chocolate, I heard my son say to his older sister, "Now this is the life of a six-year-old. Warm jammies, hot chocolate, and pears. Nothing could be better than this!"

Our family was on vacation for the first time this past August. We'd gone to CT to visit my parents as we had never been there since our marriage three years ago. Friday night, we went out to pizza and actually ate in the restaurant. My 14 month old daughter, Lizzie, was bored and done eating, so her Poppy took her for a walk. Of course, her 7 year old half-brother, Zach, HAD to go with them, so off he went too. While they were walking, it began pouring down rain. They came running in just as we were about to leave. As we walked to the car, I began to remind Zach that he had to hop in the tub when we got back, but before I could say "when" Zach replied: "But I'm as clean as a pig!"

He thought that's how pigs get clean!

My 4 year old son, Ian, set up an elaborate display of cars and airplanes on the dining room table and was pretending to be "making a movie." 18 month old sister, Shayla, watched with interest. She climbed onto a chair and looked curiously at the movie "set" her brother had built. Suddenly, with one swoop of her little arm, she flung all the cars and planes off the table onto the floor and giggled maniacally.

Before I could say a word to discipline her, Ian shouted, "Hey! That's not in the script. You are OUT of this movie!"

Recently my three year old had an assortment of footwear on the living room floor. I had to ask her several times to pick them up. Finally, after becoming quite frustrated, I brought her into the room and said, "Renee, I have asked that you pick up your shoes three times now...WHY are these not put away?"

She put her hands on her hips and said, "Those are *sneakers*!"

My 2 1/2-year-old daughter, Veronica, is going to start nursery school in September. I have been preparing her by talking about what she will do there, and about how we will buy a backpack and lunch box for her to bring along. Although my husband, her Daddy, passed away last September, we often talk about him--maybe a little too much. I asked her recently what kind of backpack she wanted for school, and she promply replied "A Barbie Doll backpack." Thinking that Barbie is too mature for a 2-year-old, I said, "Why don't we pick something else." To which she quickly replied, "Daddy said I could have a Barbie backpack. He told me up in heaven."

Recently I was telling my 3-year old a story about his late Grandpa. We were visiting the cabin in the Poconos that my father built, and I was explaining to my son how he not only built the walls and floors and ceiling, but how he hung up all the pictures and installed all the cabinets and screwed in all the electrical sockets as well. Then I checked to make sure he knew who I was referring to, since he was only 2 when my Dad passed away. I said, "Where is Grandpa now?" Without a beat, he answered, "He's in heaven." He was quiet for a moment, and then added, very seriously, "Mama, when Grandpa comes back from heaven, can I show him my toys?"

My four year old daughter loves the Land Before Time movies. Recently, I was planting a rose bush under her watchful eye and told her to watch out for the thorns, they could hurt her. Several days later I was in the yard, smelling the roses, when she came up to me and said "Mom, where are the three horns?"

(FYI, in Land Before Time movies, "horns" are a type of dinosaur!)

My 6 year old son had just received a magic wand. He waved it over my head and said, "Abra-cadabra, make my Mom pretty." Taken back by his "wish," I was just about ready to reply when he said, "Awesome Mom, it worked!!!!"

Now how can I argue with that?

My 4 1/2 year old son was talking with his friend. They were trying to decide who was taller. After agreeing that the friend was taller, my son replies (matter-of-factly), "Well, my pockets are bigger."

His friend agreed, and they went off to play. :-)

When I am really bogged down with work, I don't usually shower until after I pick my kids up from school. The other day my seven year old, Rose, comes into the bathroom saying to whoever's on the phone, "Well, she's in the shower, but you can talk to her..."

You know the routine. The spelling words come home on Monday, the practice spelling test is on Thursday, and the "real" spelling test is on Friday. My first grade son brought home his list this afternoon and we started practicing the words. He managed to learn all of the words tonight, even the more difficult bonus words. I said to him, "Look, Daniel! It's only Monday and you already know all of your spelling words! I expect a 100% this week on your spelling test!"

With all of the enthusiasm that a seven-year-old can muster, he exclaimed, "Mommy, I put the words in my brain forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever...until Friday."

My 10-month-old son isn't talking yet but he sure DOES things from time to time that get a chuckle out of my husband and me. He's teething now and, of course, he loves cold things. In particular, ice. This morning when we were getting ready to leave the house I noticed that he was a little fussy, more than likely due to sore gums. I went to the refrigerator and gave him a big piece of ice to suck on while I finished preparing the family to leave. Not too much later, I noticed that he had dropped the ice on the carpet as I had expected he would do with the cold treat. So what did he do? He dives for the ice cube mouth first and starts scooting it along with his lips!

Never a dull moment...

My husband sometimes travels for his job. He had to go on a trip to Atlanta and my three year old daughter asked me where Daddy was. I told her that he had to go to Georgia to do some work.

My daughter paused for a moment and then asked (in the most serious tone of voice!), "Like Georgia the Jungle?"

We were on a family vacation this holiday season in Montreal. We went to see an ice-show, "The Wizard of Oz on Ice." Our 5-year old daughter asked if the person who plays the Wicked Witch of the West is mean in real life. I said I suppose not or she wouldn't be in an ice-show. Rebecca pondered this for a moment and said "You're right. Ice shows are so child-friendly. If she were really mean, she'd be in an opera."

Ah, the cultural subtleties our kids are already picking up!

Even though we pack school backpacks and get clothes ready the night before, there's still usually a lot of scrambling in the morning. With my 9-year-old daughter already eating breakfast, my 7 1/2-year-old son was fumbling with his shoes. I told him to hurry and get his shoes on or he wouldn't have time to eat. His sweet eyes looked up at me and asked, "Mommy, are we late?" I said, "No, not yet. I'm just trying to keep you on track." With more compliance than this typically spirited attorney-in-training can usually muster he said, "That's what mommies are for. To keep us on track."

As I directed him to the table, my daughter to the bathroom to brush her teeth, and helped my husband load his late-night work materials in the car, I thought my son was right on target. Now, if only I could do the same for myself...

It was a defining moment in the career of this work-at-home dad.

Miss Shiela, my daughter Nicole's preschool teacher, had asked what each pupil's parents do for work. Innocent enough question, and the 4-year olds' answers came forth with a preschooler's simplicity. Some Daddies were doctors, some Mommies were lawyers. Some were realtors, some worked in offices, and some stayed at home.

Then there was Nicole.

"My Mommy is a nurse," declared Nicole, "and my Daddy goes to work in his underwear."

My daughter had always been rather possessive of me and my time when she was a toddler. At one of my "art lunches" (gatherings of true friends and potential clients at our house which usually starts late morning and goes on to late afternoon), I met a girl who was later to become a mentor, a friend, partner and soulmate.

My daughter noticed this special buzz between us and came to sit with us. Well, we talked and ate and drank and exchanged ideas well into the
night...until everyone else had gone home. We were so absorbed in our chat we'd quite forgotten this three-year old sitting there, obviously intrigued enough to keep quiet for so long. Little did I know she was simply watching and taking in everything that was going on.

We suddenly noticed the quiet and my daughter (finding a gap in our
conversation) asked my new-found friend with "concern" in her voice, "Haven't you got a home to go to?...Does this mean you are coming to live with us??"

=====

This same "old spirit" (as I now call her) continued to speak her mind as she grew older. I remember more recently I had been waiting for the outcome of a major (for me) presentation for a commissioned job. True to character, I gathered everyone else in the household and willed them to be as expectant as I was. Well my seven year old (at the time) wasn't having any of this "shared emotion." After days of talking and thinking about nothing else, she finally had to say her peace. We were baking and she quietly said, "You're not the only artist in the world you know!" To which I replied, "Well, to Daddy I am."

With a giggle she had to have the last word, "Well what does he know!"

Dave and Lorraine Lindsey of Tekonsha, Mich., were traveling with Scott, 9, who has a good knowledge of computers. Several times Scott asked if he could do something, and his parents reminded him that they had answered the question already. "Process that information," his parents said, hoping he wouldn't ask the same question again.

"Access denied," Scott said. "It doesn't compute!"